You don’t even know me.

Start rant.

I am the girl who prefers one rose over a dozen.  I don’t want twelve reminders that wilt after three days.  I only want a plastic symbol of your affection, one that will stand the test of time and will remain in constant bloom as a constant expression of the love you have for me.  I don’t want a handful of flowers that can be easily forgotten in the vase as they rot and just as easily thrown away into the garbage with your pictures and your gifts.  One will suffice.  It may be artificial and it may be garishly red, but it will last.  And it will suffice.

I am the girl who would rather stay in on a Friday night than go and party with a bunch of random strangers.  Confession: I would much rather watch Netflix than observe people I don’t even know get drunk with people they don’t even know.  Even better, I’d rather call you.  But it’s okay if I’m alone.  I would much rather make homemade root beer floats by myself and curl among the blankets and contemplate whether or not I’ll ever get another boyfriend before succumbing to another marathon of Disney movies.  I’d rather be alone in my bedroom than lonely in a crowded room, sticky with alcohol, sweaty with the bodies of people unknown to me.

I am the girl who would rather stay up all night telling secrets than going out and getting drunk.  I’d would much rather remember my whole night than waste in alcohol-blurred oblivion.  I want to know everything about you.  Those stories that embarrass you, those dirty truths that you wouldn’t tell anyone else, your hopes and dreams and what you want to do with your life, those inner questions that gnaw at your mind, the extremes of your entire life.  Tell me those things.  In return, I’ll tell you mine.  I’ll make you pinky promise not to tell anyone and I’ll do the same.

I am the girl who would rather enjoy a movie night in rather than a fancy restaurant.  You bet this is true.  First, it gives me an opportunity to demonstrate my superb cooking skills to you.  The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach, after all.  Secondly, it gives us a chance to cuddle.  I’m a big cuddler.  I’ll even watch the movie of your choice as long as you help me do the dishes and clean up the kitchen before wrapping me up in a blanket and holding me in your arms.  While I appreciate the fancy restaurant every once in awhile, I would much rather stare at you in the light of the television than in the candlelight of a steakhouse.

I am the girl who wouldn’t make you wait on her hand and foot but would do anything to make you happy.  I’m a big girl.  I can do things for myself.  You’re a big boy and you can do the same — but that doesn’t mean that I want you to.  I want to help you, I want to come alongside you and remind you what it’s like to have a friend who’s only concern is you and your happiness.  I want to be the one to make you smile again when gloom hovers over your day like storm clouds.  I want to be the one to run to the store to buy ginger ale, crackers, and chicken noodle soup when you’re sick.  And when I’m sick, you can hold my hair if you want.  Just know that even if I’m sick, I’m as equally embarrassed that you would have to see me in that state.

I am the girl who wouldn’t make you hold her bags, but rather hold my hand instead.  Remember, I’m a big girl and I can do it on my own.  I don’t usually have very many bags to begin with.  Please just hold my hand.  All the time.  Give me a physical reminder that you are by my side and will stay there.  Ingrain in my memory the fact that I am not alone and I will never have to be.  Show me that your fingers fit perfectly in the spaces between mine.

I am the girl who would give the world to see you smile.  I am the girl who would love you more than you could possible dream.  I am worth the chase and the effort to keep me.  I can only be your princess if you make me a priority.  That’s how this thing works.  Give me no reason to doubt your love and I will always stay.  I am loyal but I am not stupid.  If you act like you don’t want me, then I will assume you don’t.  Treat me as if I’m an option and I’ll narrow your choices down and leave.  And when I finally do what is best for me, sit down and accept it.  If you thought that I would swallow your disrespect without a fight, then you don’t even know me.  If you knew me, you would know that once I’ve resolved to leaving, then there’s nothing to it all really.

You don’t even know me.

End rant.

Video

I fell in love the way you fall asleep: slowly and then all at once.

Today is the kinda day where this video hits me hard.  I’m not missing him per se, just the feeling of someone else’s fingers entwined in my own and the reassurance that — just for one second — you aren’t alone in the world.  I miss hugs.  Not just any hugs, but hugs that leave you gasping for breath but you can’t bear to let go because you feel at peace.  I miss admiring flowers on my desk and knowing that those blooms represent the thoughts that someone else has for me.  Most of all, I miss someone who tells me I’m beautiful — when I wake up, when I take my retainer out, when I spill spaghetti on the front of my shirt, when I’m covered in sweat and grass stains and soccer tan lines, all those times when I’m especially not.  I don’t miss him.  I just miss Love.

That’s all the introduction it needs.

That’s what it means to be green.

Be it the flashes that sparkle in the heart of a 4 carat emerald or the grass cuttings that fly in the summer breeze or the flesh of the kiwi that surrenders to the slice of the knife, I love the color green. I find it interesting that it’s the least worn color out of the rainbow considering that we humans can see more shades of green than any other color — that’s why it’s used for night vision goggles.  I don’t like the color green just because its technology purposes though.  It’s just the feeling that I get when I see the color against my yellow-toned skin.

A forest green dress drips with layered emotion; there is something mysterious about a confident woman in a green dress.  Black is classic. White evokes goddess-like silhouettes, while grey is a subtle twist on both.  Red screams siren.   Purple denotes regal stature and extravagance.  Blue is soft and gentle or bold and bright.  Orange and yellow inspire cheerfulness and are filled with energy.  But green?  Green is tantalizingly unknown.   What does green mean exactly?

According to some color websites (links at the bottom), green can symbolize everything from wealth, greed, jealousy, and cowardice to renewal, peace, stability, and prosperity.  Personally, I think this is a dynamic combination of traits.

Since I’m participating in a novel-writing month in four days (!), let’s create a character inspired by the color green:
1) It would be a woman. Such a powerful mix of characteristics would almost certainly belong to a compelling, confident woman with a strong personality.
2) She would be obviously rich. Based on the prosperity and ambitious aspects, I would make her a businesswoman. Or maybe a lawyer. Probably a lawyer. If I pull in the cowardice trait, I would make her a lawyer who fights dirty and manipulates the witnesses and has the ear of the judge or a few influential persons on the jury.
3) With a career like that, she could be searching for peace. Calm, cool, and collected on the outside, but a turbulent storm of emotions tearing at her insides.
4) Her vicious jealous side (every woman has one) could be revealed by her associate, another woman who is not as successful in her career but who appears to have a inner peace. Her associate could have a husband who adores her and two children, the problems of a typical American family, and an affinity for baking for the church potlucks.
5) Finally, she could be renewed by becoming closer with her associate and learning that her peace comes from the love of God and the church community. Her life would fall to rock bottom when her questionable actions in the court room are discovered but she could learn to rebuild her foundation on the stability of God.

Ta da! A dynamic character based on the wild beauty of my favorite color. I feel kinda inspired now — maybe most of my characters will come from color meanings now…I should look into that.

Literary List #1 – Novelistic Tidbits

Lists.  They are easy.  Simply by putting words in numerical order, you can create reason and order.  My life is so often chaotic that sometimes I just need to stop thinking and write down the first random thing that comes to my mind.  In this tangled mess, I just need something in a straight line that makes sense to me.  For future reference, I will always make lists when my emotional status is compromised or my brain is overloaded and sluggish.  Perhaps both.

List #1 – Tidbits that I Want to Include in my Novel

1) Lover of coffee, perhaps even an addict
2) A thread of red-colored things (maybe a repeated hue like crimson or strawberry)
3) Hovering on the edge of tears and the cliff of depression but never quite making the full commitment to either — think of it as riding a rollercoaster and you’re dangling just on the peak of the first hill and you can feel the emotion surging as you anticipate what comes next but you’re never satisfied
4) Classic black Louboutins
5) Theme of reflections (mirrors, windows, in the eyes of another)
6) Smells. Especially men’s cologne. I have a weakness for expensive men’s cologne.
7) May 14th
8) The number 21
9) A teddy bear. Just a little too well-loved, caramel-colored teddy bear.
10) Under-eye circles. Noticeable in the right light but only when the owner’s face is tilted in the most perfect way because they try so hard to disguise the evidence of the ghosts that haunt their dreams

*Just a final note: can you imagine one character possessing or interacting with all of the above? What a train wreck that would be…an intriguing train wreck 🙂 I might have to do some brainstorming…

Some Awful-Big Shoes to Fill

Every girl has her role models: her mom, her grandma, maybe even her favorite singer (I’m looking at you, Ms. T-Swift).  In addition to all of these, I’m including Stacy London on that list.  Sassy, grey-streaked, skyscraper high heel-wearing Stacy.

Why?  Besides the fact that What Not to Wear is one of my favorite shows despite being off the air, she is a genuinely sweet human being.  You can’t really say that about people in the fashion industry.  Confession time: I love high fashion.  I love new shoes and tops and I am proudly known as the person who will constantly overdress for any occasion.  In my opinion, I would rather be overdressed than underdressed.  Just wait until I show up to my Science and Faith Seminar in over-the-knee black suede boots with four-inch heels.  (Oh yeah, it just might happen…)

I would like to say that my taste in shoes originated from drooling over the pair on Ms. London’s feet.  And she was the inspiration for my learning the ability to walk in heels no matter how tall.  One of the things on my bucket list is to look as good as she does in as sheath dress.  No matter what she looks like though, her personality is what gets me.  Every.  Single.  Time.

Stacy (yes, we are on a first name basis now) can see so intuitively into another person that she knows exactly what to say in order to motivate them.  I can barely get my brother in his pjs, but she can have a 42-year-old mother who is self-conscious about her pudgy tummy and wiggly arms try on a sleeveless red dress with two sentences.  That kind of awareness is amazing — especially to a INTJ like myself who can have a hard time being sympathetic.  As if that wasn’t enough, she knows how to comfort someone and encourage them at just the right moment.  I could be turning my face away from my reflection while restraining tears and, although she would ask what was wrong, Ms. London would probably already know; she just wants to hear you say it for yourself.  Her studded black booties and leather jackets wouldn’t even suggest a comforting person, but she knows how to put the smile back on your face again.  She has this way of being so selfless that I wish I would be like her one day.  I don’t want to be her; rather I want to be like her.

I still want to be myself when I’m a fashionably-dressed, forty-something.  As I’ve gone through life, traveled through the eyes of others, receiving colorful stamps on my passport because I suffer from wanderlust, I want to pick the best parts of everyone that I meet and try and infuse them in my own personality.  No matter how many candles you blow out on your birthday cake, you can always keep improving and learning to adapt to change.  Change is healthy, though it’s taken many of life’s curve balls for me to admit it.  Change is good and a shift in perspective is all it takes to embrace the passion of embracing who you truly are.  Gosh dang it, I love the way I feel wearing those black suede heeled boots and you bet I’m going to wear them because I want to and no one else’s opinion matters.  When I wear them out, you bet I’m going to be enjoying who I am and what I like — in fact, I’ll probably even check out the girl in the reflection and think that she has great style 😉

I’m going to veer away from the talk of “change” for a second because I still think it’s really important to value the stages of your life.  I am a sophomore in college, I’m in a new city that I’m still assimilating to, I have no friends and opportunities are simply waiting to be taken advantage of, I’m recently and rather unexpectedly single and I’m finally waving good-bye to the chapter of high school.  I’m learning to become an adult and circumstances have forced me to come to grips with my priorities.  It’s a time in my life when I learn what I value and I can fulfill my own expectations for myself rather than anyone else’s.  My life will become what I make of it and I’m excitingly terrified for the authority that I now wield.  Since my relationship crises (i.e. being single and having no friends in a city that I don’t know), I feel more alone than I have in a very long time.  On the other hand, I am learning what I value in a future husband and the characteristics that I prefer my friends to have.  I know exactly where I want to be when this journey is completed (with a few exceptions) but I have no idea of the paths that I will take to get there.  They will be filled with learning experiences but I hope that I will able to take them in stride just like the other strong women that I idolize.

While I want to channel the work ethic of my mother, the contagious smile and humor of my grandma, the naive sweetness of my favorite singer, I really would like to be inspired by Stacy London’s sassy spirit.  And I’ll end with a quote from this forever-fabulous woman:

Don’t let fear or insecurity stop you from trying new things. Believe in yourself. Do what you love. And most importantly, be kind to others, even if you don’t like them.”  ~ Stacy London