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There are 3 ways to gain wisdom: reflection, the noblest; imitation, the easiest; and experience, the bitterest.

Getting slapped upside the head isn’t the first thing that comes to mind when talking about what makes you happy. When asked what makes you smile, no one ever mentions liking that feeling in your stomach that is reminiscent of a punch in the gut. Conviction isn’t exactly everyone’s definition of a happy day.

It is, in my book.

When I was sitting on the far side of a third row pew in service, I got beat up pretty bad. If you could see it physically, I’d be limping and sporting two black eyes accented with a fat lip. It’s funny how quickly one can fall out of spiritual shape in one week.

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Most people would call me a strong person. I’m used to dodging what life throws at me and I can juggle several things at one time. No one ever asks how I got strong though. I didn’t just wake up one day able to carry these burdens. There are spiritual and mental workouts involved. It hurts. It hurts bad. Strong people know exactly what it feels like to be weak and in most cases, that’s the reason that they are so strong now.

It’s terrifying for a strong person to be thrown into circumstances where they are the weakest link. Strong people like me thrive on our survival-of-the-fittest mindset. That doesn’t mean we don’t get scared. And lately, fear has wrapped it’s fingers around my throat and I’ve been wrestling with doubts for the past few weeks.

Thanks for giving me that slap in the face, God. It stings but it knocked the fear off my back for another day. I’ll be crawling back asking for help again in a few hours but it’s comforting to know you’re going to be there.

And it makes me happy.

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One good thing about music: when it hits you, you feel no pain.

The heavy rain was followed by a splash of sunshine and I went outside to work on some homework and take advantage of the nice weather — between the water falling from the sky and the water in the air that makes it hard to breathe, a nice day has been few and far between.

I was listening to Pandora and I smiled when this song came on.

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It was as simple as a song, but it made me happy 🙂

If you like nerds, raise your hand. If you don’t, raise your standards.

My idea of “getting down” on Friday night is reading my Organic Chemistry textbook in the campus coffee shop at the corner table by the window, sipping a decaf mocha so I can get my coffee fix without the caffeine. At least, that’s how it is tonight. If things get really crazy, I might even paint my nails.

I know, I know, I should really tone it down.

But seriously though, the fact that I don’t have exciting plans on a Friday doesn’t bother me. Too much. The fact that I’m writing a post about it is probably a signal that it bothers me just a little. I DO have a lot of friends here. Several of them have gone home to their families for Labor Day plans and the others are already doing something or are already busy.

I like people. I may be introverted, but I do like to see people. As I was texting a friend the other day, I commented how I could talk his ear off and he agreed that I’ve gotten a lot more talkative this year! I like to hang out with my friends so that we can get even closer and I love to have fun and play euchre with a bunch of people or go to a bonfire (which are my plans for tomorrow night). See? I do have plans!

But there’s something nice about being alone and being able to watch the world go by at a slower pace. I like being able to have no deadlines and to sit here for as long as I want to. I like being able to sip my coffee without wondering if I can finish it before I have to take off to the next place. I like being able to read my Chemistry textbook and take notes in fun, color-coded pens so that my notebook looks pretty. There’s nothing wrong with any of those things. Society would frown upon me doing those things on a Friday night and I’m reminded of that more and more with every glance that comes my way from those who are “having fun.”

What’s so wrong with being a nerd? Why does the word “nerd” carry such negative connotations? I’m wearing my soccer stuff right now so I don’t look like the quintessential college nerd, but what other type of person would be studying on a Friday night? I’m disappointed in myself that I feel bad about doing so. I shouldn’t be apologizing for the type of person that I am and the types of activities that I enjoy! I should take pride in my intellectual abilities.

I guess it’s hard to remain confident for so long when no one else is there to remind you how awesome those parts of you really are. I’ve experienced the single life and the dating life and I’m beginning to remember how important it is for you to be the biggest supporter you have. Sometimes when you’re sitting at the corner table all alone, you are the only company that you have. You should at least like yourself. But it’s better when you can support yourself and the type of person that you are and it’s best when you can compliment yourself and find pride in the person that you have evolved into over the years.

So after a long blogpost and an even longer thought process, I’ve come to this conclusion: I am a nerd.

But most importantly, I like myself.

More than kisses, letters mingle souls.

My future husband,

I really want to hold your hand. When I took the love language test, I tied with two. One of my top love languages is physical touch and it means a lot just for someone to put their arm around me or wrap me in a hug. Unfortunately, I’m also very picky about who gives me hugs. But you? I’ll always accept a hug from you 🙂

I hope you’re a little taller than me so I can snuggle up against you and nuzzle my head into the side of your neck. I love the smell of cologne too, so I hope you don’t get too freaked out if I breathe a little heavily sometimes. I hope you hold my hand in public and drape your arm over my shoulders when we are walking somewhere. You don’t have to make it so over-the-top that it makes people gag, but I do hope you show me that you care in those subtle ways. I hope you kiss my forehead when I admit that I’m exhausted before you wrap your arms around me. I hope there will be moments when I make you laugh and you kiss my nose because you think I’m cute. I hope you don’t forget to send me those little reminders.

I hope that we can cuddle when I convince you to watch a Disney movie with me and that when we are watching your favorite kind of movie, I hope that you will hold me tighter when I get scared or jump. I will fall asleep on you though. I can promise you that I will fall asleep on you. I can fall asleep almost instantly and when I lay against you, the rhythm of your heart will lull me to sleep. I hope you don’t mind. I don’t think I snore. And I’m such a heavy sleeper that it won’t be a problem if you do 🙂

I was walking today and I just wanted a hand to hold and you popped into my head. Thanks for stopping by in my thoughts 🙂 I’m still praying for you.

All my love,
Your Future Wife

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Coffee. Black — like my soul.

I had coffee with a dear friend of mine. Although decaf coffee doesn’t make me happy, the sight of her lovely face does! I miss her and I don’t get to see her very often because our majors hardly ever overlap. So we talked for an hour and a half about nothing and somethings and things that mean a lot to us and no one else.

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My first full week of college has been crazy busy and my fingers are quickly remembering how to expertly cover dark circles with concealer. I’m happy that I was able to slow down just a little tonight and spend a little time with my friends.

That makes me happy 🙂

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They end up lipsticks in a drawer, all those wrong colors you thought looked so good in the package.

On the bathroom mirror in my dorm room we have a sign. It reads “On a bad day, there’s always lipstick.”

For the most part, that is true. I love red lipstick. A friend was asking me what my fascination was with red lipstick and I had a hard time answering his question. The short answer is that I simply love the color.

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The brand I use is Urban Decay’s Revolution brand and it’s the shade 69. It’s a wonderful, Irene-Adler shade of lipstick and it seems to look good on anybody (at least among my roommates).

I love wearing red lipstick and it makes me happy.