A person with a cold heart can only show love by being cold.

Some people are born great. Others achieve greatness. Still others have greatness thrust upon them.

Some people are born under the weight of expectations. Other achieve the level of expectations and exceed them, even. Still others have expectations thrust upon them that they will never be able to fulfill — not that it matters too much because they will try their hardest to meet them anyway and be devastated when they fail even in the slightest.

I’m sure we can all guess which category I fall into.

I have a strong memory. An eidetic one, to clarify. I can take pictures within my mind and go back and look at the details. I can file them away in my little library filled with file cabinets and books that I have read before. However, I cannot remember every single thing that I look at. I can see pictures of pages of books and read words right off the page! But if I flip to the next page, it’s blank.

I can’t remember everything but I can remember some things. For example, I remember exactly how many pencils were in a clear plastic box on my professor’s bookshelf and how many bubbles were scrolling around around her computer screen. Why would I need to know this?? I don’t need to know this! But I will continue to know this fact for a long time!

Imagine what the implications are with this type of memory. Since I have a good memory, I can remember many facts. When I can’t pull one up however, I just love the cynical glances from people as they begin to question my memory. Truly, that’s my favorite part. They are so kind, aren’t they? They are the reason that I make friends so easily and have so many.

I get high off the adrenaline rush from competition. Comparisons are my favorite because I always come on top. Coming in second is not an option. I don’t allow it to be.

This results in incredibly high expectations for myself, higher than even the people that I surround myself with. Sometimes the hardest person on you is yourself because that little voice in your head knows exactly what to say to push your buttons and plug in the function to make you work just a little bit harder. Some call it self-motivation.

I call it self-imprisonment. My boss doesn’t chain me to the desk. I do that all on my own. My teachers don’t give me the grade. I write it on top of the paper myself.

They say when you get cold enough, you start to feel warm again. It’s true. Love someone in the coldest way possible and eventually they will feel the warmth of your embrace.

Don’t ever say that I don’t love myself.

I do.

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