Doubt is the privilege of those who live a long time.

I’m not sure if I’m wrestling with doubt or high expectations.

The worst part about that? You have to know the enemy you’re fighting in order to beat it. And I don’t know.

You know when you reach a point and your motivation to move forward is telling yourself that “this stage leads to where I really want to go” or that “this part of life is only a stepping stone” or “this won’t last forever”? I’ve reached that point a few times. None of those sentences sound that bad, right?

Well, they aren’t at the time. Until you get to where you really wanted to be or to the end of the stepping stone path and realize that it’s not as good as you originally thought.

Welcome to my reality.

I was repeating those motivational sentences above like they were my mantra but the more that I looked at the situation, the more that I wondered how I got in this situation in the first place. Cue the lightbulb: it dawned upon me that I was here because of those exact same sentence muttered a year earlier. And that hard place? I arrived there using those sentences as my map.

This won’t last forever because it’s leading me to where I want to go. I’m calling that bluff.

Those places last forever because there are memories created in them. I may consider transfer from from this potential Alma Mater school but I already have memories here. I can leave but I’ve already put down some roots here. I can’t leave without leaving some part of me behind once I rip up my connections here.

And what if the next place I go is the same? Or the worse? Odds are, my experience there will be the exact same as this one. Only now, I’m cultivating high expectations for that potential future place. Which one will destroy that possible reality first: the doubts that it could be any better? or the expectations I hold which will inevitably be shattered if I do arrive there?

And now I’m in the same spot as I was in the beginning. The minute I figure out the major I love is the second that I realize I don’t really want to be here. I challenge the doubts to hit me with their best shot the same time that those high expectations sucker punch me.

Where’s the white flag when you need it?


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