The Drowning Instinct: where drowning doesn’t look like drowning.

I’m coming up for a breath.

I’m sorry for my absence. I just needed to take a break. With everything that’s happened this month, I needed to take a step back from this little blog.

Between lobbying for the ICI, presenting research at the conference at Purdue, all the huge projects for my classes, in addition to studying for finals next week and the two tests and a lab practical that I have this week, I’m drowning in responsibilities.

When I wade into responsibility, I immediately swamp myself in other people’s expectations.

I can’t breathe.

It’s amazing how I can handle these 8am-8pm days and then still be able to smile and small talk and name-drop like I should. Everything leads to something else, it seems.

The worst part is that I’m not physically tired. I’ve been doing my best to go to bed before midnight and so I get about 6 hours of sleep a night (which is great for college life, by the way). I can’t even use the excuse that I’m tired because technically I’m not. Mentally drained, maybe.

I’m gasping now and swallowing more water than air.

Maybe it’s hitting me incredibly hard because I just took an organic chemistry exam and I feel sick just thinking about getting the grade back. I studied but I studied the wrong thing…isn’t that disgusting? My professor is very supportive of me and she inspires me to study as often as I do but our friendship only adds to the pounds of expectations weighing me down.

Help. But now it’s too late. I’m so deep, I can’t force the word through the tons of water rushing into the welcoming pathways in my lungs filled with air bubbles that squirm out of the way.

I’m not sure that I have the time to post on this little blog till the end of next week. I’ll see you then.

“Everybody breaks sooner or later, Bob. Anyone can drown. Sometimes you see it. Most often, you
don’t because the body protects and the skin hides, so drowning doesn’t look like drowning and some
people scar so nicely. Take it from an expert.”
Ilsa Bick, The Drowning Instinct

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