Life’s cruelest irony: the lonely times are when you need to be by yourself

I woke up today in an empty bed in an empty house with an empty feeling echoing in my soul.

I feel very lonely today.

I ate breakfast by myself – although the two pairs of begging eyes at my feet kept me company. Once I start drinking the coffee though, they lose interest and go lie down on the couches to live a dog’s life.

I worked on the landscaping outside today by myself. I lugged 30 lbs bags of mulch to a wheelbarrow where I proceeded to dump the contents. I shoveled it. I got on my own hands and knees to push around the chopped up trees. There wasn’t a single neighbor who even noticed me.

I drove almost 3 hours on a highway by myself. I listened to the country music station until I had heard all the songs multiple times and then I turned it off to listen to my own thoughts. When I had heard all those twice (because I had already been alone with them many times today), I rolled down the windows to have the wind toss my hair around a bit.

I got to my friend’s apartment that I’m staying at only to find that she and her boyfriend have gone out tonight and left me by myself to unpack and settle in. How kind of them to leave me with myself.

I never thought I’d say this…

but I’m tired of being around myself for so many hours. I run out of things to say, my humor is dry and brittle, and I’m sick of hearing myself think. Eventually even I run out of thoughts and just want to sit in silence.

It wouldn’t be so bad being alone if I wasn’t so lonely.

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