Change is the end result of all true learning.

Hello again, dear ones. I abandon you once more.

But – like every narcissistic lover – I always reappear when you have given up hope on hearing back from me.  I use you for my own selfish purposes: vomiting ill-conceived thoughts on your blank screen, dissecting secrets amidst your black font, bruising the backspace button as the wrong words tumble down.

We both know I’ll leave. Again.

That part of me will never grow up.  I’ve written in my public diary for 3 (nearly 4!) years now and I don’t foresee myself stopping any time soon.  I’ll actually have more time for it, in just 23 days.

I’m quitting my job, you see.  My regular-paycheck-every-other-Friday, PTO and benefits, 8-4 job.  Not that I’m giving up, per se.  Just choosing a different route.  This is my gap year, after all, and I intend to live like it.

I’ll be spending a lot more time on here.  I’ll be free for the next 5 months to type what I wish, when I wish it.  I’ll be focusing on my writing and tutoring part-time.  I plan on doing daily “writing sprints,” where I will post a prompt and write non-stop for 10 minutes.  You have the ultimate pleasure of reading my uncensored thoughts, should you so choose.

I never stopped being a writer.  But I stopped identifying as one.  Well, no more.

You smile.

You truly know me so well, after all this time. And I think that’s why I keep coming back.

I’m remembering what it’s like to be human, again. I’m going to create once more, frustrate myself with my lack of inner thesaurus, drink endless cups of tea, and poke around in dusty corners of my brain.  I’m going to write – not from the heart – but from my soul and discover who I am.

I’m going to change.

Welcome to my new year.

The only dreams that matter are the ones you have when you’re awake.

I think I’m gonna do it.

Remember my last post when I was bemoaning my boring life and not really looking forward to the summer, but at the same time, totally inspired to do something — except that I didn’t know what it was?

I think I’m going to do a fashion blog. I’ve been talking about it forever, but I think this summer, I’m actually going to do it.

I think I’ll have a separate blog (title pending…) but I will continue to post on this one and the other. This one is still near and dear to my heart and I don’t want to see it go just yet. I still plan on writing a book this summer — by the way, dear reader, I’m very open to suggestions since I have no idea what the plot is going to be at all. I don’t even have one single character idea.

That’s my little update.

Distraction from distraction by distraction

Here’s the thing about change: I accept the change begrudgingly without fully comprehending how many consequences there will be and then, when the consequences come, I don’t always recognize that the consequences are my fault because I welcomed the change in the first place.

Follow that?

What I really mean by this is this: I got a Twitter.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Obviously I’m not one for posting thoughts in 140 characters or less. However, I can post links to this little blog on Twitter and it expands my audience — which is the goal in the first place. **

It may be stupid but I’m started to mull over what I truly want in life. I blame Twitter and the new movie “Into the Woods”. Let me explain.

I’ll begin with into the woods. “Into the Woods” follows several fairy tale characters — none of which get the happy ending they expected (no real spoilers here). Cinderella is one of these characters. And she almost made me pull my hair out. As everyone knows, Cinderella runs away from the prince at midnight. Well, in “Into the Woods,” she runs away from him three times! On the third time, the prince spreads pitch on the stairs so she can’t run away. Cue Cinderella’s song about not knowing what she wants. In order to not have to make a decision, she leaves her shoe on the stairs so the prince can make the decision to find her or not with the clue that she has left. How can she not know what she wants??

And now to connect this to Twitter. I was always adamantly against Twitter for a long time because very few people can say anything of any value in 140 characters or less and those who can, would hardly be on Twitter. But now I have to think about what I want. The new blog format gives me access to social media links and I pondered whether or not I would actually use them. As you might be able to see on the left hand side, I have chosen to do so.

And now the real question: would I, Sydney Sheltz, consciously make a decision to reach a goal via means that I don’t approve of?

I thought the answer was “no,” but I can see now that I was wrong. And you may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s just one Twitter icon on a blog and you said yourself that you’re only using it to post the links!”

And you’re right, reader, in this case, it’s not a big deal. But I want a lot more in my life than just growing the audience on this blog and it might be difficult to reach those lofty goals. With the moral code slipping farther and farther away in society, I want to be able to be confident in myself that I will follow the rules I hold for myself. Like Cinderella, maybe I’ll teeter both ways before not making a decision at all. I’m hoping that when life seductively cradles what I want before me and whispers the directions to the easy way out, I know what my answer will be.

I was hoping the answer will be “no.” I suppose I’ll never be sure.

** Also, thank you to all my lovely followers for helping me reach 100! I didn’t actually think I’d get that many and it pleases me that so many of you actually read what I write. So, thanks 🙂