Change is the end result of all true learning.

Hello again, dear ones. I abandon you once more.

But – like every narcissistic lover – I always reappear when you have given up hope on hearing back from me.  I use you for my own selfish purposes: vomiting ill-conceived thoughts on your blank screen, dissecting secrets amidst your black font, bruising the backspace button as the wrong words tumble down.

We both know I’ll leave. Again.

That part of me will never grow up.  I’ve written in my public diary for 3 (nearly 4!) years now and I don’t foresee myself stopping any time soon.  I’ll actually have more time for it, in just 23 days.

I’m quitting my job, you see.  My regular-paycheck-every-other-Friday, PTO and benefits, 8-4 job.  Not that I’m giving up, per se.  Just choosing a different route.  This is my gap year, after all, and I intend to live like it.

I’ll be spending a lot more time on here.  I’ll be free for the next 5 months to type what I wish, when I wish it.  I’ll be focusing on my writing and tutoring part-time.  I plan on doing daily “writing sprints,” where I will post a prompt and write non-stop for 10 minutes.  You have the ultimate pleasure of reading my uncensored thoughts, should you so choose.

I never stopped being a writer.  But I stopped identifying as one.  Well, no more.

You smile.

You truly know me so well, after all this time. And I think that’s why I keep coming back.

I’m remembering what it’s like to be human, again. I’m going to create once more, frustrate myself with my lack of inner thesaurus, drink endless cups of tea, and poke around in dusty corners of my brain.  I’m going to write – not from the heart – but from my soul and discover who I am.

I’m going to change.

Welcome to my new year.

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It is a basic condition of life: to be required to violate your own identity.

Change is permanent because things are always changing.

Tattoos are permanent because the mechanized needle forces pigment into the dermis layer of skin – since the pigment is too large to be removed by white blood cells, it simply stays.

So here I stay. And here I change.

Here I have a tattoo.

The pale, long-haired, Queen of the tutors pictured in the engagement photos from exactly one year ago looks in the mirror and wonders why this equally pale, tattooed, medical technologist with Zoe Deschanel fringe-banged hair is blinking blindly back at her.  It seems that they only thing they have in common is lack of sleep, coffee breath and winged black eyeliner.

I don’t know who I am anymore, but it’s the first time in a very long time that I’ve been okay with saying that out loud (or at least, seeing the words appearing on the screen). I always forget about the transition states.

In chemistry, the transition state has the highest amount of energy through the entire reaction – in a sense, it’s the oomph needed for the reaction to progress to completion.

transitionstatechem114a

However, it can be difficult to navigate.  You can put a lot of energy into something and still not go anywhere if you haven’t reached the transition state; there is actually a way to make that flirtatious transition state more attainable: enzymes.  Enzymes can lower the activation energy of a transition state in too many ways for me to describe in this little post.

Either way, I always struggle with the transition state.  You can throw the pre-wedding, pre-graduation, pre-adulthood Sydney into a pot with a degree, a husband, and a job in the field (right out of school, with benefits and PTO).  You can add an identity crisis, tear-filled showers, and homegrown herbs on a patio.  You can add a haircut.  But you will not end up with even the remotest semblance of a finished product.

There are so many people I need to become before I end up close to that “finished product.”  In fact, I’m pretty sure I’ll never quite get there.  Regardless, I’ve finally found myself overcoming my social anxiety and introducing myself to the new person I see in the mirror.

She’s actually kinda nice.

I think I like her.

Distraction from distraction by distraction

Here’s the thing about change: I accept the change begrudgingly without fully comprehending how many consequences there will be and then, when the consequences come, I don’t always recognize that the consequences are my fault because I welcomed the change in the first place.

Follow that?

What I really mean by this is this: I got a Twitter.

I’m not sure how I feel about it. Obviously I’m not one for posting thoughts in 140 characters or less. However, I can post links to this little blog on Twitter and it expands my audience — which is the goal in the first place. **

It may be stupid but I’m started to mull over what I truly want in life. I blame Twitter and the new movie “Into the Woods”. Let me explain.

I’ll begin with into the woods. “Into the Woods” follows several fairy tale characters — none of which get the happy ending they expected (no real spoilers here). Cinderella is one of these characters. And she almost made me pull my hair out. As everyone knows, Cinderella runs away from the prince at midnight. Well, in “Into the Woods,” she runs away from him three times! On the third time, the prince spreads pitch on the stairs so she can’t run away. Cue Cinderella’s song about not knowing what she wants. In order to not have to make a decision, she leaves her shoe on the stairs so the prince can make the decision to find her or not with the clue that she has left. How can she not know what she wants??

And now to connect this to Twitter. I was always adamantly against Twitter for a long time because very few people can say anything of any value in 140 characters or less and those who can, would hardly be on Twitter. But now I have to think about what I want. The new blog format gives me access to social media links and I pondered whether or not I would actually use them. As you might be able to see on the left hand side, I have chosen to do so.

And now the real question: would I, Sydney Sheltz, consciously make a decision to reach a goal via means that I don’t approve of?

I thought the answer was “no,” but I can see now that I was wrong. And you may be thinking, “What’s the big deal? It’s just one Twitter icon on a blog and you said yourself that you’re only using it to post the links!”

And you’re right, reader, in this case, it’s not a big deal. But I want a lot more in my life than just growing the audience on this blog and it might be difficult to reach those lofty goals. With the moral code slipping farther and farther away in society, I want to be able to be confident in myself that I will follow the rules I hold for myself. Like Cinderella, maybe I’ll teeter both ways before not making a decision at all. I’m hoping that when life seductively cradles what I want before me and whispers the directions to the easy way out, I know what my answer will be.

I was hoping the answer will be “no.” I suppose I’ll never be sure.

** Also, thank you to all my lovely followers for helping me reach 100! I didn’t actually think I’d get that many and it pleases me that so many of you actually read what I write. So, thanks 🙂

Change is inevitable. Progress is optional.

Well. It’s done.

Welcome to the new and hopefully improved little blog of mine.

If you don’t like it, don’t tell me.

If you do, feel free to comment.

If you have constructive criticism about readability or navigation, I’d be happy to read your comments below so that I can do my best to fix it.

To be honest, I’m not even sure if I like it yet. It’s different — as change should be. And I suppose I could always re-edit it or go back to the original.

I suppose we will wait and see.

I’m the combined effort of everyone I’ve ever known.

Who am I?

If you could let me know, that would be great.

Since I don’t currently know who I am, I’m doing my best to figure it out. Most of you probably don’t know but I go through this 4-5 month cycle. Once the 4-5 months are up, I suddenly have this urgent desire to cut my hair incredibly short or wear red and purple lipstick for a solid two weeks.

It could be that I have this innate fear of being boring. Or possibly that I am bored and need to change things up a bit.

Either way, I’ve come to the end of the cycle and I’m wrestling between two options:
1) chopping my hair off (or dying the ends purple temporarily)
OR
2) updating the blog format

I’m logically steering myself away from the hair idea because it’s just starting to get long from the last time I chopped it and I just dyed it Cherry Coke red so I’d prefer not to mess it up. Also, this blog can be changed rather easily and I already have a certain format in mind.

That being said, if you do happen to come across my blog today, it may be under construction and I’m sorry about that.