I’ve never woken up before the sunrise on a regular basis during the summer, and I was surprised to find out that even the sun struggles to wipe the sleep and stars out of it’s eyes. The moody clouds slip away as the caffeine starts to thud in our veins with it’s normal rhythm, the thump-thump of my heartbeat marking pace for the sweet serenade of the mourning doves
Mourning doves are truly the only real “morning people.”
I am not. In fact, I wanted to be nothing like those birds. I will mourn nothing this summer, I told myself, because I am going to grow and make money and learn to become a real adult. What I didn’t realize is that becoming an adult is ultimately a process of mourning. The early 20s are so hard because you are mourning the loss of your childhood innocence, the loss of your dependence on your family, the loss of the happiness that used to tinge your rose-colored glasses. Becoming an adult is actually a very sad thing – now you know why children think adults never smile.
I promised myself that I would learn to like myself even if I didn’t like the circumstances in which I found myself. I would try and figure out how to live at peace when all of my choices left me mangled inside and wondering how my life was supposed to be a masterpiece when the broken pieces kept slipping through my fingers.
That’s the thing about life. It’s a mosaic. All the shattered glass, all the accidents that cause the vase to fall off the table, all the scratches and the grooves, the mismatching colors and tiles that don’t fit together quite right – that’s what my life is made of. It’s a glorious mess that sometimes cuts my fingers if I try to manipulate it too much.
I’m grateful for it. I wasn’t always that way, but I’m learning.
I’m learning to let go. My plan for my life is nothing compared to the plan that God has for me. Sometimes it’s nice to remember that He hold the world and therefore, he can handle this moment in my life.
I’m learning to be grateful. I’m learning to appreciate the little things, like brown sugar in my oatmeal (it’s gross without it – like eating flavorless vomit) and coffee that doesn’t come from a packet. And I may spending 3 hours commuting to-and-from work, but at least I have a lot of time to listen to the radio.
I’m learning to find peace. Did you know you can pray with your eyes open? And you don’t have to say the words out loud? AND you can pray for things that happen in the moment, or will happen in a few minutes or months or years? Seems like a common sense thing, but I’m just starting to figure it out.
It’s quite enlightening. I’m peeling back the layers to find a more refined person in my skin than I thought existed. She’s calmer than I am. She remembers to breathe when she’s walking down the hallway. I even think she has less muscle knots than I do…
I’m not in school right now, but it’s amazing how much I’m learning.